Male Loneliness: Most men are lonely — they just don’t want to admit it.

You just got up — and the only thing on your mind is your calendar and the terribly busy day planned.

Out of the time left of the day, outside your work, you consciously decide to spend time with kids and family. The balance one is spent on Twitter or LinkedIn, maybe scribbling some notes and watching a few more seasons on Netflix…and whoosh, the day is over. Sleep. Getup. Repeat.

Looks like most things are tick marked. You are becoming a ‘successful family man’.

Or are you? Are you, by any chance, still feeling that there is something missing? Something incomplete? Do you sometimes feel, that you are unable to talk to anybody or maybe you rather ‘figure it out yourself’ than be ‘weak’ to express it to others?

What about Friends? No — not the one with Jennifer Aniston, but the ‘real’ ones in your life.

If I asked you if you felt lonely, you would most likely rubbish it — Nonsense! Not me — I am happy!

Incidentally, data says something else. A survey published in 2021 in the US found that friendship groups have shrunk in the past three decades, particularly among men. In 1990, 55% of American men reported having at least six close friends; today only 27% do. The survey found that 15% of men have no close friendships at all, a fivefold increase since 1990.

In another poll in the UK, almost one in five men (18%) owned up to not having a single close friend. Furthermore, one in three (32%) stated that they didn’t have a best friend. For women, these figures were lower at 12 and 24 percent respectively, suggesting that, on average, men in the UK are leading more solitary lives compared to women.

Not just in UK or US, Male Loneliness IS a serious problem that gets exacerbated by keeping it under wraps — In 2017, in another finding by the Jo Cox Commission, 10% out of 1200 men said they would not admit to feeling lonely, preferring to keep it hidden. Most of us feel it, but we don’t talk about it, and prefer to hide it behind our self-sufficient “strong emotional” personality!

When Silencer gave a speech in college (3 Idiots), with misplaced words of balaatkar and sthan, you might recall a statement of that ranting — “Hotaa sabkey paas hai, deta koi nahin” — maybe that’s what Loneliness is to men!

Blame it on Masculinity — While men do crave emotional connection, they are also taught that successful men exhibit restraint, independence, competitiveness — at the expense of others. Apparently, with the rights of other genders advancing in recent decades, emotional ways of connecting have improved. Men are still grappling with this expression. Too much could be misconstrued as them being ‘weak’ or doubting their masculinity, is it?

As a result, individualistic addictive hobbies like constantly being on the phone, gaming, watching porn, random browsing on social media, jealous-ing your way on other’s claims of success — all this is only increasing loneliness.

Some of these are coping mechanisms for men more than addiction - they prefer this over social interactions and so, suffer from anxiety, depression, or as the topic says, loneliness.

Loneliness and depression seem to be on the same continuum!

Sharing our insecurities and vulnerabilities with people is not something that we have been ‘trained’ to do, right from childhood.

From Boys to Men: Am the Macho!

Boys have deep emotional connections — In childhood, boys tend to be as open as girls about their need for friends. But as they grow, by the time they turn 15, they start distancing themselves with the fear of appearing ‘sissy’ or ‘gay’.

Outcome: boys mature into men who are autonomous, emotionally stoic, and isolated. And we stop expressing ourselves!

There is a cost attached to this self-imposed isolation — so it's not all fun — Suicide is more common among young men than young women.

Hug like a boy — Even after knowing all this, if you were to “show more affection” — are we conscious of hugging other men? Maybe just like “run like a girl” campaign — “hug like a boy” should be a campaign worth trying for bros!

Is your Husband Lonely? (It's not what you think)

Interestingly, does Marriage make it better? Research says NO. You’d expect married men to be less lonely and unsupported, but a 2015 YouGov survey for Movember actually showed that UK married men have some of the lowest levels of support outside of their homes. In fact, they were found to be over 30% more likely than their single counterparts to claim they have no one to turn to.

The effects are far-reaching. Research has linked loneliness to poor health. It can make men angry and violent. Male loneliness also affects women. Apparently, two-thirds of divorces are initiated by women, many of whom complain their husbands are emotionally incompetent.

Interestingly, when I looked for what husbands and wives google about unexplained behavioral traits of their spouses, the following are the top ten things people are searching for. While there can be a separate note on some of these amorous or anti-amorous searches, if you focus on the highlighted ones, it explains why husbands are more of a problem than wives!

Family Man

Spending time with our children is a big priority for most of us “Men” these days. So once we are done with our ‘guilty’ long working hours, followed by our ‘compensatory’ time with kids, balance time is usually apportioned to bickering with our better halves or parents, concluded with the ‘social announcement’ of our happy lives!

Would these family siloes by any chance also prevent us from avoiding loneliness? Rather probably only make it worse?

Am sure Manoj Vajpayee would also agree with this.

The paradox of Male Loneliness

For many males, experiencing the need for connection leaves them feeling inadequate — they feel unworthy of the very connection they yearn for. Worse yet, for some, having the need itself suggests to them that they have already been rejected: They are alone because others aren’t seeking them out. So the fear of rejection drives them crazy. Though the rise in male suicides and drug addiction indicates that men have been suffering under the patriarchal notions of male self-sufficiency and stoicism since before the pandemic, the pandemic seems to have worsened their plight. (Source)

Un-lonelify yourself — Ask for help!

Do you know who to reach out if you are not feeling good and want to share a personal loss or anxiety? Without the fear of being judged? Without feeling the need to wonder if ‘he’ would have the time for you?

Men aren’t good at talking to each other or asking for help. Most men might walk around lost for half an hour than risk looking incompetent by asking for directions (figuratively speaking).

As a result, we lose friends and admit it or not, sometimes we feel the urge but almost feel helpless about it. An interesting question to reflect on was asked by Jonny Sun in his Ted talk, “You are not alone in your loneliness”

How many people in your life have you already had your last conversation with?

Solve the Puzzle of Loneliness — Men need to ‘Come out’

Mathematically speaking, loneliness can be beaten with the help of this equation: vulnerability x time = depth of connection. By amplifying their vulnerability levels, one can reduce the amount of time it takes for men to form real friendships

(via Evryman Project, founded by Dan Doty, a film-maker — whose participants are between 26 and 42, the period when men leave behind their adolescent circles and strike out alone into an unforgiving world. Doty’s goal is to get men in social situations to go straight for the emotional kill. )

Here are a few things I could put together, as action items for myself. Might help some of you -

1. Man-Date Friendship: Making friends gets more difficult with age. As men enter their forties, the situation often gets worse. More so, men bond better through face-to-face contact and activities, whereas women find it much easier to hold onto an emotional connection through phone conversations (2017 study at Oxford University). Our social structures function differently, too. According to a study in the journal Plos One, male friendships are more likely to flourish in groups, whereas women favor one-to-one interactions.

Putting these together, an optimal solution is an Opportunistic Socialization — socializing while engaging in a shared activity. It makes them not appear ‘needy’ but at the same time drive interactions.

An interesting take on this was featured on Saturday Night Live a few weeks back, on how to get men to go on dates, in a ‘Man-Park’

2. Social Media: In a study of adults aged between 19 and 32, those who reported spending more than two hours a day on social media were twice as likely to describe feeling “left out” or isolated. Our digital ties can feel like the real thing, but they often turn out to be weak and unsatisfying — ghostly imitations of human contact.

3. Shortness of Time: One of the biggest hurdles to building modern friendships is time, an increasingly rare commodity.

Friendships need time like a plant needs water. A recent study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships estimated that, on average, it takes about 90 hours of time with someone before you consider them a real friend, and 200 to become “close”.

Get back to your old friends and buddies, reconnect with them — and not just tactically, go out and avoid holding up chatting with people you ‘know’ but dont acknowledge that you know. e.g. your neighbors or those who notice each other but ignore!

Conclusion

They say, Writing is an extension of personal identity — this one is a direct extension for sure! Close to 2 years back, I had put together some findings on how people were addressing their anxiety, loneliness and boredom via Netflix or Naughtflix. After writing about the perfect Man, this is one area that was quite interesting to find and write about.

So pick up your phone or visit friends or neighbors around you. and if you are a worried spouse, do ‘him’ a favor — just go and hug (and ask your children or pets too) hug the ‘Dad’ in the house! He doesn't need it but….he needs it!

And Next time you find any of your ‘male’ friends simply acting as if they dont get impacted by any emotion, just go ahead and give them a tight hug — you would have made more than a big difference in their lives already!

And finally, encourage your boys to go out and make more friends — dont make them men without friends!

Digitally speaking, if we stay cryptic about our feelings, it might only get meta-worse! It's time to get some New Friendship Tokens!

Sources: Survey Centre on American Life, part of the American Enterprise Institute; YouGov, Happiness.com, Why men are lonelier in America than elsewhere from The Economist , image, Psychology Today, Men’s health